The Inescapable Bouquet and Garter Catalyst
by got2bekiddin
Summary: When Penny recieves a phone call from Mrs Cooper asking when she and 'Shelly' are coming up, she finds she isn't the only one unamused at her lack of knowledge about Missy's wedding. Sheldon isn't too happy about his plan getting foiled either. [Takes place in Season 4. Pre-Shamy, pre-wedding etc., so AU if you are up to date seasons wise.]
1. The Phonecall

The Inescapable Bouquet and Garter Catalyst

Hi guys it's my first Big Bang Theory fic so I apologise for any ooc or general boringness.  
>I love the show, love the cast and love shenny! But unfortunately do not own the characters or show.<p>

_Thoughts  
><em>"Speech"

...

Roll the credits

…and it all started with a big bang… BANG!

Knock, knock, knock  
>"Penny"<br>Knock, knock, knock  
>"Penny"<br>Knock, knock, knock  
>"Penny"<p>

Frowning at the silence he raised his fist to start over.

Knock, knock, knock  
>"Sheldon"<p>

Jerking at the fist hitting his shoulder he turned scowling,

"Pe-"

Knock, knock, knock  
>"Sheldon"<br>Knock, knock, knock  
>"Sheldon", she finished with a smug grin.<p>

Pushing the dainty fist off his chest he glowered,  
>"Really Penny was there any need to..."<p>

"Sheldon" she groaned,

"…although with what one might call and I quote 'your intellect' or rather lack of it, it hardly surprises me that you might mistake, I dare say one of your own your kind as a door."

Tirade over Sheldon looked at Penny curiously. There she stood crossing her arms, with the expression of a cat that just got the cream. A feral smirk.  
>Usually she would be throwing her own tantrum by now.<p>

He slowly backed up clutching an arm under his jaw for fear of her going junior rodeo on him; she on the other hand followed him until she had to crane her head upwards to see his face.

"Aww honey that's so sweet, you've upgraded me to homo novus" she sang, and proceeded to poke him on the nose.

Flinching he jerked back.

"Homo Novus?" he drawled, Texan accent flaring. With a knowing look he continued,

"Penny. I myself have an IQ of 187-"

"-You're the beautiful genius, why don't you use that epidermy memory thingy…"

"Epidermy memory thingy?" hackles raised he bent towards Penny, "The term is Eidetic Memory, one that you clearly have never and will never obtain. Eidetic stems from the…"

Drowning him out, she waved one hand in surrender, the other to search in her pockets

"…the cognitive memory-"

Getting bored quickly she interjects.

"Okay, okay, I get it. I'm lower than your mighty specie. Now, can you move? I have a date"

Jangling her keys in his face, he frowns but side steps, barely leaving her enough space to unlock the door.

-_Whackadoodle._

"Penny, I asked with whom are you having coitus with tonight"

Door open she turns with a sigh,

"Date. I said a date Sheldon."

"Yes," He drawls, "I said that, but with whom? Surely not Leonard as your well aware he's unavailable."

"With a bottle Sheldon. A bottle of wine. Now goodbye!"

And with that she slams the door on him.

…...

Lying in the bath with a tall glass of her 'date' Penny let the bubbles soothe away her tension- or tried to.

She kind of felt bad for slamming the door on Sheldon earlier, but her shift at work was not the happiest, and Sheldon mentioning Leonard certainly hadn't made her feel any better.

Especially when Leonard and his reason for being unavailable had strolled into the cheesecake factory.

Priya. Hanging all over him like she was stuck to him.

Urgh, it had been hard, very hard not to drop the salad no garnish, no cheese, no fat on the floor of the kitchen before serving.

An evil smile graced her feature at the thought of giving Priya floored food.

But no Penny doesn't stoop to such school girl levels, unlike Miss Priya. No, even after being congratulated on this day being her 4th year at the cheesecake factory, and asked how the acting was going and whether she was going to diet to give her a better chance of getting a role…

Swigging the rest of the wine down she sinks back into the bubbles.

_Screw them._

…...

Lurching out of the now cold bubbles Penny frantically looked about.

-Beep –Beep

Ahh her phone, that's what had woke her.

After pulling out the plug she reached for her towel and flipped open her phone.

"Hello?"

"Hallo there Penny, this is Sheldon's mama. You remember me don'tcha?"

Fumbling for the phone Penny wondered why Sheldon's mom was ringing her. Was it closing the door on him earlier? Surely that deserved a strike not a phone call? That little whackadoodle, she was going to go all out junior rodeo on his ass.

Jerking her towel around her she replied.

"Of course Mrs Cooper! Are you alright?"

"Why yes dearie, I'm quite fine. A bit tired because of the goings on and all but very excited! Now I'm just ringing to see when you and Shelly are gonna be here so I can get your rooms ready. Of course I'm not gonna let y'all stay in a motel when you can both stay at his mama's.

"WHAT?" Penny all but screeched, reaching for the now dropped phone.

"Ah Penny dear, Missy's wedding. You an' Shelly are both coming down on Friday and staying the weekend for it."

At Penny's silence Mary Cooper's voice began to get higher pitch and quicker.

"-That boy didn't tell you nothin' did he?"

"No, he didn't" Penny grudgingly replied, storming through her apartment.

"Me and Missy suspected he wouldn't come. Say he'd have experiments to do, and things to prove, but its own twin for crying out loud. And as you for, well we know he'd feel more comfortable with your friendly face and of course me and Missy love ya'll to bits, and his memaw wanted to see you again; to catch up and share stories on Shelly. The Lord above may have blessed me with a genius, but you have to be a genius to understand him. Ain't that right Penny?"

"Yes maam" She drawled her own Nebraskan roots coming through.

"One minute honey, let me try him"

Penny nodded to the phone and stormed across to 4A, slamming her fist against the door.

Knock, knock, knock  
>"SHELDON"<p>

Knock, knock, knock  
>"SHELDON"<p>

Knock, knock, knock  
>"SHELDON"<p>

Hearing Mrs Cooper's voice again she pushed the phone against her ear.

The door remained shut.

"He's not answering his phone Penny"

"Oh I can do one better" Penny growled,

She wrenched the door open.

"SHEEELDOOOON!"

"Good lord" he muttered running out of his bedroom. Soon to stop in the middle of the living room to glare at Penny.

"Penny! Why are you in my apartment?"

His voice getting higher and higher,

"PENNY! Why are you just in a towel? Are you wet? Penny you can't be dripping in my apartment…"

Strolling up to him she put the phone to his ear.

"It's your mom."

Looking visibly ashen he reached up and held the phone himself.

"Mom?"


	2. Confrontation

Hi everyone!

First of all I want to thank everyone for their lovely reviews! Also thanks to those who added my story to their favourites and to their story alerts- I was shocked by how many! And I'm sorry for the delay in uploading. I do apologise for any mistakes, grammar, punctuation and character wise.

As for this chapter, Sheldon may seem out of character but when watching TBBT I noticed that when situations arise concerning his mom, Memaw and of course Penny, he tends to act a bit out of character.

Enjoy anyhow!

…

Penny was anxious- not only had she walked her anger off 20 minutes ago, but she had been locked inside Sheldon's apartment.  
>Of course during her earlier rampage she had forgotten her key, and the cause of this situation had locked himself in his own room so she couldn't get the emergency key.<p>

_Wanting retribution by hearing Sheldon's mom giving him an earful she had decided to stay and listen, but when it became apparent she wasn't going to leave and he certainly wasn't going to physically remove her ( especially not in her current attire), he had glared and ran off to his bedroom._

Ergo Penny was stuck wearing a towel in the idiot physicist's apartment and had been for the past 40 minutes.

_Surely the scolding couldn't have been going on for this long?_

Leaning against the door again, she tried to make out the hushed words…

… Until the door was ripped open.

She jerked back from the door and slowly drew her eyes up.

Standing in the doorway, hands gripping the doorframe so tightly his knuckles were white, there was no question at all that Sheldon Cooper was angry.  
>Eyes drifting to his face, she let out a breath.<p>

He had never looked so furious.

His piercing stare locked onto her and held her gaze, unwavering and so predatory, that Penny found herself looking away.

"I believe congratulations are in order, Penny." He drawled, voice rougher and more Texan than normal.

Surprised at his tone she looked up, soon wishing she hadn't when she saw that fake joker smile plastered across his face. The smile, teamed with the dark eyes and his meaningful step towards her rang her alarm bells.  
><em>Oh God she had done it. She had broke Sheldon.<em>

Stumbling backwards and out of the hall she tried to get distance between herself and the nutjob; she'd clearly pushed him too far this time, and he needed time to reset to his default factory settings.  
>Thinking back to when Leonard previously used to keep her key, Penny ran to the bowl by the front door begging that it would be there, and swore blind when her fingers closed around the metal key.<p>

Jerking 4A's door open she strode over to her own door in a panic trying to get the key in the right way, which wasn't helped when she heard Sheldon's voice.

"It's rather ironic that we find ourselves in a similar position to a few hours ago don't you think?  
>Especially when all you needed to do back then to avoid this situation now was to simply turn around and listen to me." Hearing him approach she purposely ignored him. "And yet here we are now, and after listening to my Mom rattle on for 40 minutes and because of you, I might add, I find myself with a severe migraine…and a dislike for ill-tempered neighbours." He hissed near her ear.<p>

Flustered Penny shifted so she could yell directly into his face but was even more ruffled when she realised how close he was. Mr Don't-come-closer-than-a-metre-and-half had stood so close that she could feel the rising of his chest for his heavy breathing- neither clearly a good sign for the emotionless robot man.

"You realise this is all your fault Penny? If you hadn't of slammed the door on me earlier none of this would of happened," he stormed on, "Your lack of intelligence and wit often astounds me but usually your social awareness is of an average level. I was clear in every way earlier that I had something of upmost importance to discuss with you, but instead you act like a child. Lord knows why any man let alone Leonard would wish to date someone as bipolar and idiotic as yourself." He snarled.

Anger flaring at the snide comment and at the hurt she felt at his words Penny found herself growling whilst forcefully poking his chest with the hand that didn't contain the stupid keys, "Okay Mister Genius, its clearly my fault for not telling my neighbour that it is my sister's wedding and the fact that she was invited to it. Not only did I not tell her that I had already agreed to the both of us going, but that it was this Saturday. On a final note, I guess it would have been best to add in a warning not to answer any phone calls off the family, because I have no intention of actually going to my own twins wedding." Staring at him defiantly she smiled and finished with a hand slamming against his chest, "Oh wait, it's your twins wedding and all your own stupid big mess!"

His eyes darkened.

Acting out of sheer frustration and desperation he retaliated.

Grabbing her bare shoulders he forced her backwards against the door and muttered softly, "I don't think you understand Penny. We've got to go to Missy's wedding. Memaw... I've upset Memaw."

Bewildered at his slender fingers clutching her bare skin she was lost for words. _Since when was Sheldon so …masculine? And so Fragile?_

"I can't I have work" fell from her lips. And she found her hand that was still pressed against his chest had gently been patting him to placate him.

His fingers tightened around her shoulders before slowly releasing one's hold to retrieve a cell phone from his pocket. Penny glanced down to his hand, it was her cell phone.

Upon seeing where her attention had drifted to Sheldon held out the device to her, "I think you'll find that you don't have work from today, 'being Wednesday' until Tuesday's evening", he smirked, "So you see Penny, you are completely free to come to Texas."

"You can't be serious Sheldon! You can't have just cancelled all of my shifts for a week."

"I think you'll find I did", he drawled.

Clearly not believing him and not having the patience to wait for his iconic 'Bazinga' she snatched the phone from him and proceeded to dial the Cheesecake factory.

"Yeah hello Mandy, it's Penny. I was just wondering what time my next shift is?" She pointedly stared at Sheldon who was now leaning back and crossing his arms with a knowing, anticipatory look.

Upon Mandy's next words she tore her gaze away from him, focusing on the phone; "What do you mean I have no shifts for a week?"  
>"A personal emergency?" covering the phone with a hand she hissed, "You told them I had a personal emergency that would leave me emotionally unable to work for at least a week?<p>

He shrugged and started to speak before Penny's attention was redirected to the phone.  
>"Yes everything will be alright Mandy, I just didn't want you all worrying" she said grudgingly.<p>

"He said that, did he… yes he is very sweet isn't he?" she smiled painfully, "Thanks Mandy, I will. Bye."  
>Snapping her cell-phone closed she turned to Sheldon, who clearly already knew where this was headed.<p>

"So apparently my sweet, sweet boyfriend rang up and told my manager that I had to have a week off because of a personal situation."  
>-Silence<br>"This situation happens to be me suffering from depression and becoming rundown from being a failure of an actress and still being a waitress 5 years down the line. And so I need to go back home to 'stabilise' myself.  
>They think I'm having a midlife crisis and…- Christ Sheldon. Couldn't you have thought of something less dramatic?"<p>

"Well it's based on physical facts; you are still a waitress, and yet to be involved in a _paid_ acting job. Besides, some time off would be favourable towards you, and I'm sure I mentioned that in times of emotional emergencies , having worked there for so long, the time you have off to deal with it is is of course paid."

"No, she didn't" Penny muttered.  
>"Then I don't see why you have any reason to be angry with me. I did literally get you a paid holiday." He gloated.<br>"But how did _you_ get my shifts cancelled? At the factory you have to go in, in person and request it off."

"I simply told them I was Sheldon, your Tuesday 'Barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side' regular customer, and upon hearing of my concern over your well-being and doubts over your ability to further carry out my order I drew conclusion that either Mandy should serve me from now on, or you should receive time off."

"They think you're my boyfriend Sheldon."

"Do they now?" he paused, "Perhaps I overestimated Mandy's intelligence?"  
>"-or underestimated my own acting ability" he added upon seeing Penny's sharpened look.<p>

"Okay Sheldon" crossing her arms over her own chest she met his gaze, "before I consider agreeing to this, is there anything, _anything_ at all I need to know?"

"Why yesss" he drawled.

"What?"

"That's not your apartment key."


	3. Suits and Sausages

Welcome back folks! I'm so sorry about the hiatus- I can't believe it's been 9 months since my last update.  
>I'm also in disbelief at how many brilliant reviews I've had, not to mention the follows and favourites. Thank you very very much Your reviews made me laugh so much, I promise I will definitely get around to replying to your messages!<p>

In a way I'm slightly scared now, because its been so long and I want the chapters to be just as good, so I do apologise in advance just in case.

As always I don't own the show or characters.

Thanks for reading!

…...

Shortly after his mom's scolding, his scolding of Penny and then the inevitable scolding from Penny, Sheldon had let her into 4B and left with orders to pack immediately.

Needless to say he wasn't too amused upon his return to see penny's failed attempt at packing, especially when he was in tow with packed suitcase and suit bag.

Trying to appeal to her practical side, he had presented her with a laminated copy of the female modified version of his own packing necessities- feminine products, dressing gown, slippers, travel medication, hand sanitizer just being a few of his crucially listed items. Glancing over the list she had simply huffed and casually tossed it on top of some 'clean' (which he thought was over reaching) washing draped over the table, ignoring his indignant squawk as he retrieved the document… _And it was even underlined and highlighted in bold!_

When pure order and manageable homosapien sized lists (his own homonovus list was extensive) had failed to put her in motion he decided to do the big reveal and opened his suit bag.

Being confronted with tartan corduroy was too much.

…...

Penny gave a twirl in red silk, "Well?"  
>Sheldon grimaced, "It's all wrong, the colour, the dress…"<br>"Urgh it's pointless asking you", she muttered looking over her shoulder at her reflection, "Mr 'I'll-go-to-Missy's-wedding-in-a-flash-t-shirt-and-cord-pants'. I knew I should have brought Bernadette to help." She sighed smoothing down the skirt.  
>"It's Doctor actually, and I see no wrong in dressing as such"<br>"-and that is exactly why I've bought you suit shopping."  
>"How very selfless and here was little old me thinking it was because you were without appropriate attire for such an occasion. I have a suit."<br>"We've been over this how many times now?" Running a hand over her brow, "It is a cord suit. You are more than welcome to go to Texas in that, that _thing_, but you'll be doing so on your own buddy."

He was being so stubborn about getting a new suit, Penny thought it would be easier to get one of Amy's monkeys to make a suit and wear it than to get Sheldon in a new one.

"Then what about the dull black suit you forced me into purchasing? I'm sure you'd believe there's nothing wrong with that one, except that you lack fashionable knowledge?"  
>"Except the fact that it's missing a pair of bottoms?" she retorted.<br>"Poor Memaw, having a Moonpie who loves to strip off the nads…" sniggering slightly as his cheeks flushed in the mirror, she turned again facing him head on. "How about I pick the suit and you can pick the tie or dickie bow? We'll go for a Bruce Wayne look, hmm?"

Considering this idea a great deal, Sheldon paused, "Well it's not the flash, but I suppose the notion of dressing as Batman's alter ego wouldn't be a remiss."

"Alright, we have a deal." She struck a pose, "Now really what do you think?"

"I believe the social term is 'that is so not cute'."

...….

Penny was getting frustrated, they'd been at it for two hours now. All morning he'd given her his dramatic responses, 'Memaw doesn't like purple', 'Are you trying to attract hexopoda anthropods?' which she didn't have a clue how to repeat let alone understand, and of course her favourite one yet; 'Ooh myself and Leonard saw a remarkably similar dress to that on the corner of…' she had sauntered off immediately after hearing the word 'corner', consciously pulling down the hem as she fled.

This dress wasn't so bad it was quite nice if you ignored the low cut. Pulling it up over her head she tossed it onto the no pile.

It was true that they both needed new 'attire' and she had dragged him shopping so that she could look for a dress. While she had plenty at home none of them seemed to be right, and she didn't want to wear one of her dancing dresses. And if Mary, Missy and Memaw all wanted them there she would be damned if one of them wasn't looking good. And after planting the idea of dressing like Bruce Wayne to him, the chances were that it would have to be her.

_The whackadoodle had probably already picked out a cape. _

Even a cape would be better than wearing that suit. She had promptly zipped up the suit bag earlier and threw it in her room. There was no way in hell she was letting him wear that thing to a wedding, it would make even the priest weep.

It's a shame the last black suit she made him buy was un-wearable really, she can remember feeling giddy when he first came out the fitting room wearing it. Not that she'd ever openly admit it. He looked nothing like the geeky Sheldon she knew; he looked tall and masculine, and dare she say…oddly attractive? Well if you ignored the narcissistic personality that droned through.

It's a shame that some stalker had stolen the pants he had flung at the crowd. Her money was with his crazy fan, Yoko Ono, the one who had driven Sheldon to literally beg her to save him.

Yanking her blouse over her head she finished getting dressed, laughing softly to herself.  
><em>Poor Shelly<em>.

She wanted him to feel confident and comfortable in this new suit, especially because she knew he was more wound up than normal (if possible) and in a sharp suit he might feel less anxious about the whole thing. I mean there's got to be a reason why he wanted to avoid his own twins wedding? Saying that though, it is Sheldon.

At least she had a source of small talk at her disposal who knows that might make the 8 hour journey fly by. Who was she kidding? Besides at least this way she'd have more chance getting the reason why he wanted to avoid going home for a weekend if he was in a tin box miles high.

Oh yes, Sheldon Cooper was going home in an aeroplane.

She could imagine him plastering himself against the terminal door already.

Forcing the grin off her face, she pulled the curtain across and faced the empty spot where he should have been standing.

_At this rate it might be her plastering herself against the gate. Oh God._

...…

Penny finally found him outside the store on the phone talking to someone, and by the pinched expression on his face she could only presume for that to be Mrs Cooper, and giving him a few words by the looks of things. After a few minutes, she decided to help him out.  
>Tapping him on the shoulder lightly she pointed at a suit shop she raised her voice so Mary could hear,<p>

"Sheldon I've just seen a suit which would totally suit you, but the guys closing early so we need to go …." Pausing for dramatic effect she smiled at Sheldon's confused look, "Oh are you on the phone? Sorry Sheldon, is that Mrs Cooper? Tell her I said Hi!"  
>Still looking slightly lost Sheldon moved his attention back to the phone.<br>"Yes mom that was Penny" he drawled, " Yes, she said Hi. No I'm not going to… oh fine, Penny my Mom is saying Hello too. It then seemed to click that he was meant to follow Penny's act.

"Oh my, that plain black suit looks simply too good to be true. I must try it on before the owner shuts the shop. Yes, goodbye mother."

Turning to Penny he drawls, "Perhaps once I've won the Nobel Prize and retired from physics I'll take up acting. Fear not Penny, I'd still visit the Cheesecake Factory."

Upon her glare, he does a little breathy laugh "Bazinga!"

"Yeah yeah. Well done on the phone by the way. You're acting was soo convincing."  
>"Was that sarcasm?"<br>"Now why would you think that?"

...…

A few hours later and the unusually silent couple were sat in Penny's apartment eating sausages in pasta. They'd finally got back an hour ago and were both exhausted. Sheldon had eventually bought a suit, thanks to her help, and she could safely say it didn't have a cape or utility belt- she'd checked. She had also found what she was after, a lovely dress. She had opted not to ask for Sheldon's interference or should she say 'help' which paid out this time, it was gorgeous! But after seeing Sheldon in his suit, she no longer knew who would look better. What a pretty pair they'd make.

It was getting on and they both had to be up early in the morning, tomorrow was Friday after all, and they had a flight to catch. Originally on Wednesday when she found out that she was going to Texas, Penny's first thoughts were 'oh crap I've gotta drive for 28 hours straight.' Sheldon being Sheldon obviously fought tooth and nail for her to drive, as buses were out of the question, but once she bought up her check engine light, dangers of driving to Galveston and not to mention percentages about cleanliness of motels he soon changed his mind.

_Germaphobe, it's a wonder he doesn't live in one of those space men thingy's._

Which left 3 options;

Option1 He volunteered travelling by train.

Option 2 She volunteered travelling by plane.

Option 3 She had volunteered to not going at all.

She had to grin. Sheldon was not happy at all with the idea of flying. But this way was the quickest, easiest and safest way. (Yes she had googled facts on both transports) and once that had failed she rang Mary.  
>Needless to say the flights were promptly booked.<p>

She still had to drive from Pasadena to Los Angeles airport, and then from Houston to Galveston but this way was so much easier even if they had to muck about for a few hours in between. Her promise of taking him to see the Train Museum probably sweetened the deal.

Letting out a soft yawn she glanced over to Sheldon. He was robotically scooping the warm food into his mouth and looked on his last legs. The last few days had certainly been a whirlwind. But he still had that guarded look in his eyes.  
>Feeling her gaze he stopped, and glanced over in question.<p>

"Is this the part where social protocol dictates that I make small talk, about the upcoming weekend?" he grumbled.  
>"No sweetie" she said continuing to eat, feeling better when he copied picking up her fork "I'm just thinking."<p>

Once they had finished eating, and Sheldon had physically cleaned everything- his excuse was that he would hate to come back on Sunday to a mould infested apartment complex, better yet a rat infested one. He then proceeded to Penny's dismay to pull out a lengthy itinerary of the following day.

Not feeling the energy to argue with him she agreed and ushered him to the door.

"Remember to put some travel socks in your hand luggage Penny, it is on the list."

"Yes I will I will, and everything else on the list."

Huffing he stopped outside the door, "I understand that you're not intelligent to understand the mechanisms and bodily incidents that occur on planes. But I've researched them. You're not taking this serious enough, what if there's-"

Grasping his shoulders she stared into his blue eyes dead on. He twitched but didn't make a motion to step out of her hold.  
>"Sheldon we will be fine. Honest. Even Memaw has been on an aeroplane. She told you how fun it was right?"<p>

"But Penny.." he whined.

"No buts Sheldon, we'll have fun. This weekend is going to pass so quickly we'll be there and back before you know it."  
>Releasing her hold she tapped him under the chin fondly, smiling when he looked away.<br>Seeing the pout on his face she couldn't help but tease him a little.

"Night Moonpie." That certainly bought his eyes back to hers, narrowed as they were.  
>"Penny only my Memaw can call me that."<br>"Think she'll let me call you Moonpie when we get there?" Seeing his face twitch she continued, " I hope she does. Maybe I should start practicing? Moonpie, Moonpie, Moonpie.."

Thinking of a new path of action he strode across to his apartment and turned, "Good night Kitten."

And with a quick smirk thrown her way, the boys door was slammed in her face.

That was cheap.

"Sheldon!"

Penny 0-Sheldon 1


End file.
